Back in the Game

Frank and I talked about it well in advance...We had known for a long time that I would take 6 months of maternity leave to spend with Frankie. A half a year off from work. It seemed like an eternity when we planned for it. However, I'm pretty sure those were the fastest six months of my life. After Christmas, I remember thinking, "Wow - Four more months off with Frankie - Great!" Then somehow January flew by and we were starting to look for a nanny. There were tears. There was doubt. There were more tears. There was more doubt. "How is anyone going to comfort Frankie like I do?" Then in February we found Maria and she started in March and proved to be amazing. Time for me to start venturing out on errands to get used to being away from the little guy. I felt like an irresponsible parent. "I have a nanny watching my son so I can go shopping." Little by little, I started spending more time away from the house during the day to get used to being apart from Frankie. Then somehow April snuck up on me and it was go-time. In the days leading up to my return to work, I told Frank that I thought I was coming down with something because I was sick to my stomach. Turns out that I was healthy...just worried sick about leaving my little guy, about returning to work and juggling being an amazing mom and an amazing employee, but most of all, I think I was completely sadden that my special time with Frankie had come to an end. I was hard on myself thinking that I hadn't cherished that time enough - Wishing that I had used a more 'attachment style' of parenting. To me, my return to work meant that my little baby was growing up. I kept reminding myself of a quote by Dr. Seuss: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” I am truly thankful that I was able to take 6 months off from work to spend with Frankie. Those were some of the hardest but happiest days of my life. How can I look back on them and not smile?

When the day finally came for me to go into the office, it was Good Friday and I only had to go in for a brief two hour meeting. I called my mom in tears on the way there. How was I going to pull myself together and be professional? I hoped that no one would ask me about Frankie for fear that I would break down and cry...in the office. But then something strange happened...When I stepped out of the elevator onto the 4th floor and was buzzed into my office, it felt good to see the faces of my co-workers. It felt good to have business discussions. It felt good to be at work. And people asked about Frankie and instead of tears, I bragged about him like any mom would. I walked into my office building terrified but walked out that afternoon with confidence. Confident that I could do this.

The following week would be the true test. 8 hour days away from Frankie. But I survived my first full day. And Frankie was all smiles when I got home. He probably didn't even notice how long I was gone. Then I survived my first full week. Then the second.  And you know what? It's now week 4 and I'm doing pretty damn good at both of my jobs.